If a Twenty-first Century First-World Jesus requested membership in a MAGAt church (AS IF!) he’d be turned away.
Not welcome here, Jesus
©2025, David Albert Farmer
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If Jesus of Nazareth (actual name Yeshua bar Yosef) were to request membership in a MAGAt church today (AS IF!!!), his request would be denied. He wouldn't ask why; he'd knock the dirt off his sandals, saddle up his donkey, and move on. But let’s see how it might play out.
Kerrtown, Texas, is a small rural town about a three-day donkey ride to San Antonio; most people there drive the sixty-ish miles to San Antone in their pickup trucks. Jesus was the last person to think about making the trip riding his donkey, his only mode of transportation while he’s in the area.
The church admired by all the movers and shakers in Kerrtown is Trinity Baptist (pronounced Babtus locally). Southern writer Don Lee Keith once pointed out that church splits down south follow this pattern: First Baptist only; after split one, First Baptist and Second Baptist; after split two, First Baptist and Second Baptist and Trinity Baptist. In Kerrtown, Trinity was the place to be; not much left of First or Second.
The only lodging accommodation in town is No Trouble Inn Paradise; Jesus initially tried to stay at the Inn, but there was no room. He decided to bunk in a local stable he'd found to keep his donkey rested, sheltered, watered, and fed. And Jesus preferred a nice bed of hay to a mattress anyway.
Everything was inconvenient, but Jesus was determined to get to the folks who'd lost loved ones, homes, possessions, more loved ones in the recent nearby flooding around the Guadalupe River. He began that ministry in prayer.
Jesus found his way to Trinity, a word whose meaning was entirely unknown to him, one Sunday morning, and most of the people were rather friendly--at first. It had been a choice for him of convenience and availability. There were no Jews in Kerrtown, so no synagogues. Jesus had walked around pointlessly his first Friday evening in town looking for one. He asked a stable hand where people worshipped around there, and the guy told him Trinity was about the only choice nearby, but a good one.
Every Sunday, after telling members of the congregation for a few minutes how God was going to bring them, through President Donald Trump, lots of money and protection from adversity despite the recent Guadalupe drownings; then yelling at them a few more, Pastor Bradford Boasteen asked people to consider church membership. Jesus told Pastor Brad one Sunday he’d like to know about what membership involved. On the outside Boasteen seemed thrilled; inside, he panicked.
He asked if Jesus could meet with the membership committee in two weeks. Jesus said he would.
Pastor Boasteen and several committee members sat down with Jesus in the pastor’s study after the Sunday service. For the Child of Humanity, who often had no place to lay his head, this pastor’s study was some Herodian palace.
The news was all bad. The chair of the membership committee, Mrs. Blanche Boasteen, the pastor’s wife, was asked to read a letter from the membership committee to Jesus.
She read in her sultry voice:
Dear Mr. Jesus,
After prayerful consideration and confidence that God in His perfect will has led us to the right decision, the membership committee of the Trinity Baptist Church feels that we cannot welcome you as a member at this time. These are our reasons:
Several members of the congregation were offended when you asked them on a number of occasions, and I quote, What’s wrong with synagogues?
A number of members have told the pastor that when you speak of scripture, you only refer to the Old Testament and never to the New Testament and that when you share your interpretations of Bible passages they are not based on a literal reading of the inspired, God-breathed, inerrant Word of God.
You have spoken about God to several people and given the impression that you think God loves unconditionally and indiscriminately, and therefore is unable to judge God-forsaken sinners who deserve to sizzle like fat meat in hell for eternity.
You wear a toga to church every single Sunday, and this has created a concern among some of our members that you are a drag queen.
You have raised the question frequently: what percentage of our budget is dedicated to taking care of poor people. This is very upsetting to our finance committee that spends a great deal of time making sure our resources are properly distributed; we cannot give all the money we have to the poor. We do give 100 percent of the proceeds from our annual Biblical Fish Fry to causes that support the strugglers in our area such as God-ordained politicians who are trying to fend off efforts by Godless liberals to unseat them. Also, this year we plan to underwrite the cost of swimming lessons for children living near the Guadalupe River, so that when future floods come, and God will certainly continue to send floods, they will be able to swim away and not die. Praise God! Bless His holy name!
Similarly, you repeatedly ask our members with whom you speak if we have a prison ministry. The closest prison is a good distance from us, thank God, but in any case our members are some of the most respected women and men in Texas society; we cannot be seen at a prison unless we are prisoners.
You have deeply offended our Christian education ministry and upset parents of our children by asking if those who care for children at various church functions have been cleared of any history of child abuse.
Your English is very broken. You speak with a foreign accent. Some say it’s Aromatic. We speak English English here. If it was good enough for Paul and Silas, it’s good enough for us.
Finally, if you were to keep attending here, because of your dark skin, someone sooner rather than later would report you to ICE agents. They could appear during worship on a Sunday and take you away. That would just be humiliating for the congregation.
As Jesus quietly walked out of the pastor’s study and exited the building, some folks heard him mumbling, “It won’t be the first time godless, soulless thugs of Pharisees drag me off to a kangaroo court.”