Dear Pete “Happy Hour” Hegseth, Bible Scholar and Champion of Women’s Rights, Meet Deborah, a Judge and Warrior, Celebrated in Hebrew Scripture

Secretary of Defensiveness

It’s so inspiring that one of Taco Trump‘s key appointees is not only a connoisseur of spirits, but also of scripture. A Bible teacher, no less, when he can keep his pants on.

Mr Secretary of Defensiveness, you have certainly done your part to try to keep women barefoot and pregnant and in their kitchens because of your astounding knowledge of scripture. Those of us who admire you so much wonder how you overlooked the story of an extraordinarily powerful and successful female warrior in ancient Israel, whose story is detailed in the book of Judges.

What the hell was God thinking, Petes, in allowing a woman to serve as a Judge and to lead her people into battle with a celebrated military leader, named Barak (no “c”) who said he wouldn’t dare go into the fray unless Deborah went with him?

You can read this, unless you’ve already memorized it, from Judges chapter 4 while you’re in a makeup sesh:

Now Deborah, a prophet, the wife of Lappidoth, was leading Israel at that time. She held court under the Palm of Deborah between Ramah and Bethel in the hill country of Ephraim, and the Israelites went up to her to have their disputes decided. She sent for Barak son of Abinoam from Kedesh in Naphtali and said to him, “The Lord, the God of Israel, commands you: ‘Go, take with you ten thousand men of Naphtali and Zebulun and lead them up to Mount Tabor.”

Barak said to her, “If you go with me, I will go; but if you don’t go with me, I won’t go.”

^“Certainly I will go with you,” said Deborah.” So Deborah went with Barak to Kedesh. There Barak summoned Zebulun and Naphtali, and ten thousand men went up under his command. Deborah also went up with him.